I'm Scared... But Gonna Do It Anyway

Every Single Time that I try something new, it’s freakin' vulnerable.

It’s true that I’ve gotten better at facing my fears than I used to be. But no matter how many times I push at the edges of my comfort zone, that feeling of being utterly naked as I bushwack into new terrain never really goes away.
 
I was on a client call the other day when she asked if I remembered what the terror and uncertainty of taking a big leap of faith felt like. She wanted to know I understood. I laughed and said, “Oh sister, I don’t just remember it – I’m living it right alongside you.”
 
That’s the space I’m in as I write today – pushing against another one of my edges and feeling like an exposed baby chick in the process!
 
Recently, a friend opened up a new shop in my town. House of the Faun is the realization of a long-held dream of two creative, visionary sisters - Lisa and Catherine Leporati. After years of talking about it, they finally took the leap to make their big idea a reality.
 
This is what inspired action looks like, and I’m thrilled that they are spreading their magic and beauty further into the world.
 
I’m also honored beyond belief to be invited to co-create with Lisa and Catherine as House of the Faun’s ritualist in residence.
 
And believe it or not, this is where the fear comes in.
 
I’ve been performing ritual and ceremony online and for small groups for a while now, but this feels different. Today I’m stepping out of the box and revealing the fullness of who I am to my own community.
 
I’ve lived in a small town for the last 8 years, and for a long time I did a very specific thing here. I was a nonprofit leader. A fundraiser and dream-weaver. I’m proud to have operated as the invisible hand behind some extraordinary events and achievements along the way.
 
That was the tidy box you could put me in. I had a place, a function, a role.
 
I fit in.
 
And then, I dropped outta sight. I had a catharsis and left my job, going underground for a searing season of transformation.
 
Since that time, I’ve shed old skins. Gone ever deeper into the mystical and magical aspects of my nature. Explored how I could pair my leadership and business skills with spiritual identity and soul longings.
 
Partnering up with House of the Faun is about so much more for me than offering up some in-person classes, workshops, and guided rituals. It’s my coming out party. And boy oh boy am I nervous.
 
I’m a consultant. Writer. Coach. Teacher. That all tracks with who I “used to be.”
 
I’m also a priestess, spiritual mentor, healer and tarot reader. And those things still feel vulnerable and tender to share out loud.
 
Will some people think I’ve gone round the bend? Cringe? Judge? Roll their eyes?
 
Probably.
 
(And I’ve learned that those who do just aren’t my people.)
 
It seems like a simple thing, this notion of being “your authentic self.” Trust me, it’s not. The human operating system is designed to play it safe. To not stand out. To follow a prescribed path.
 
Depending upon the messages you’ve received from family, culture and the societal structures that surround you, being different can land in our nervous system as a surefire pathway to doom, destruction, and death.

If I'm scared to reveal myself in this fairly low-stakes way, what does that mean for others?

Imagine the barriers to living in a manner that's honest for you if your differences are visible, marginalized, and openly discriminated against.

We're seeing the heartbreaking impact of this every night on the news, a constant loop of violence against people who look, love, think, or worship differently than what other maladapted humans deem to be acceptable.

If you want to know WHY I upended my life to do the messy work of transformation, THIS is it. So that the world may yet become a safer and more hospitable place for ALL of us. 

Pushing past the unconscious messages to stay small, predictable, and safe requires grit, fortitude, and a thick skin. And so, I’ve taken my time about it. I've turned up my light by degrees.
 
Today, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to declare the fullness of who I am out loud.
 
(But still, I’ll admit I’m quaking in my boots!)
 
It ain’t easy to ride the phoenix burn and rise, but it is possible. Not only that,  it's 100% necessary if we hope to co-create a better world. 

I’m writing about this because I know how powerful it can be to see someone else do the gritty, real work of personal transformation. We need to demystify this process for one another.

I see my coaching clients doing brave, hard things every single week. I bear witness as they face down fear, doubt, and uncertainty. We deconstruct the stumbles, and celebrate in the victories.

We laugh, cry, and occasionally swear in frustration together. But above all, we push forward inch by inch toward a bolder, brighter, more expansive version of who they are and can become.

This one’s for them as I march into my own brave unknown.

 I’m in the fire right beside you.

 
 

Gratitudes

(AND WHAT COMES NEXT)

If you’re a local - thank you for being here, cheering me on through each stage of my rebirth. Continued hugs, shares, and words of encouragement are deeply appreciated. You don't even know how much you've inspired me already to Go For It in bigger and bigger ways!


Here’s what’s coming up: 

If you're not in the Port Townsend area, you to explore the ways you can work with me virutally here.

Chris Clark