How Do We Show Up for Someone Who’s Grieving?
Be a Lifeboat. Here’s how.
Photo by Aaron Weiss on Unsplash
My own experiences with grief all have one thing in common: when a profound loss occurs, it’s like being tossed off a ship in the middle of a storm.
Enormous waves coming up all around me. Wind howling. I can barely bob up to fill my lungs with air before another wave comes crashing down. Chaos and disorientation. Breathless, gasping, paddling to keep my head above water.
When we’re in the grip of grief, it’s difficult to see land—let alone find our way back to safe harbor. Who will find us in this dark place? How will we survive the pounding waves?
What we need in these moments is a lifeboat.
More than one in fact. Because when those waves are tossing us around, our position within the sea of grief is ever-changing.
And yes… it can be hard, awkward even, to know what to do when someone we care for is grieving. I don’t always know what to say or do, and I’m sure you’ve been there too.
We won’t always get it right, that’s for damned sure. But I’d rather be someone who tries, than a person who looks the other way in the face of another’s pain.
So, how can you be a lifeboat?
First, we need to recognize there are many causes for grief. All are valid.
In Western culture, we recognize that death brings grief (thought we don’t allow nearly enough space for it). And to a lesser extent, we know the grief that comes at the ending of a romantic relationship. But there are many other forms of loss that also give rise to profound grief. A few that come easily to mind include:
Loss of a friendship
Loss of a job
Transitions - changing careers, divorce, kids leaving home, retirement
A change in health
Giving up a dream
Leaving something behind - moving, stepping down from a role, leaving a religious tradition or community
Collective grief - feeling the larger suffering that’s present in our communities, and the world itself
Deferred grief - processing wounds that were not adequately tended at the time of the original loss
Ok, Now What?
If we know someone is grieving, what can we actually DO? How might we show up better?
A few ideas…
1) Call or text regularly. After the initial round of check-ins and sympathy cards have stopped coming, it can get awfully quiet. Keep checking in.
2) Deliver a meal. The simple routines of daily life can sometimes be the hardest to attend to.
3) Offer to run errands: a grocery run, cleaning the house, doing the laundry. Lend a hand.
4) Take their kids out for the afternoon. If they need some space, help them get it.
5) Be willing to talk about what’s been lost… if they want to. Politely not mentioning who or what has been lost to spare someone further pain is what so many of us do. But the truth is, avoidance is rarely comforting. When we hold space for what’s really happening, that’s healing.
If they are grieving the loss of a loved one—whether a partner, family member, friend, or pet—write down your stories about that one to share when the time is right. If the grief is for a lost possibility, dream, or personal capacity… hold space for them to talk about what has gone.
Avoid “bright siding” it, or talk of silver linings.
6) Honor boundaries. If someone indicates clearly that they want to be alone, or don’t want to talk about it, respect those wishes. But don’t take silence as proof that contact is unwelcome. You may not hear back when you call, text, or email. That’s OK. It doesn’t necessarily mean your message isn’t being received, and appreciated.
7) Don’t rush it. Grief is a natural process. Many of us are detached from healing community, and rituals for metabolizing our grief. We’re lucky if an employer gives us 3 days of Bereavement Leave when an “approved” family member dies. (I’ve read more than one employee handbook that defines precisely which relationships qualify. Seriously?)
Above all, hold them in your heart.
When we give grief its due, it will eventually move through us. It helps to be held without judgement through this process. For as long as it takes.
Let’s face it: our lives are busy. We naturally get caught up in our own struggles, to-dos, and commitments. Meanwhile, the one who grieves is still out there in their personal storm.
What if a few small actions on your part could make a difference?
Write a note in your calendar to check in. Put in a recurring appointment at regular intervals over the next several months if that’s what it takes (and it often does). Just find a way to remind yourself to keep reaching out.
We all need to be part of the lifeboat brigade.
Inevitably, there will come a day when we require this same assistance ourselves.
You don’t need to go it alone.
Sometimes the people in our lives just don’t know how to help. Sometimes, we don’t know how to help them either. It’s not for lack of caring.
Showing up — that’s what good coaching is all about. A skilled coach can hold space for you in your grief, uncertainty, or when you’re stuck and not sure how to move forward. If you are struggling and want a partner to help you map your course back to shore, I welcome you to schedule a complimentary Discovery Call with me to talk about where you’re at, and how I can support you.