Why Won't He LISTEN to Me?!!?
Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash
You know what makes my blood boil? Not being listened to.
The other day, I was talking to my hubby Roy about a challenge I was grappling with, and I could viscerally feel his attention drifting. He’d arranged a “listening look” on his face—you know the one I’m talking about—but the guy was SO NOT present.
We’ve all been there, am I right? You can usually tell when the person you’re communicating with is not fully engaged.
Any of these sound familiar?
You’ve finally gotten together with a good pal for a long overdue catch-up, and they can’t stop looking at their incoming texts.
You’re debriefing a work related problem with your partner, and they respond with the occasional “mm-hmmm” but don’t seem at all interested.
You run into a former colleage and they ask “What’s new with you?” only to change the subject 30 seconds into your response.
We all need to be seen and heard, but the experience of really being listened to can feel hard to come by sometimes. I’ve got some theories about why that is, but here’s what feels really intriguing to me about this right now:
In all these examples, did you notice that the source of the problem is always the other person?
THEY don’t listen. That makes ME feel invisible, unimportant, or unseen.
Hmm. I don’t know about you, but MY brain does this a lot. I make up meanings about other people’s behavior that diminishes me while simultaneously casting the other party in a pretty tough light.
Oof - it's kinda vulnerable to admit that!
When an observation about myself feels pinchy or uncomfortable, I’m trying to just get curious about it instead of spinning out into a shame spiral. So with that said, let's get back to my story…
Rather than going off on how it hurt my feelings that Roy wasn’t listening to me, I took a step back in that moment to investigate. I asked: “Hey, I know this is a heavy subject - do you have the energy to talk about it right now?”
Want to know how he responded?
He said NO. A polite no, but a “no” nevertheless.
Exsqueeze me?
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. In my mind, Listening Means Love. And if you don’t want to listen… what does that even mean? A tender little part of me gets all freaked out and wonders whether or not they really love me.
DOUBLE OOF!
In that moment, I faced a decision:
Ride that wounded train of thought and get Super Agitated. (Confession: I ain’t perfect and know from vast experience where this particular track leads.)
Investigate. Did he offer to listen, or did I just dive in and start talking?
Holy Cats, Batman! This is where the lightbulbs finally went off for me.
I didn’t ask for permission.
I expected Roy’s full attention and engagement because he loves me. What I didn't do is find out first if he had the energy, time, or capacity to hear the Very Important Things I wanted to talk about.
This was a huge learning moment for me. Shortly thereafter, I began to see other ways I do this in my everyday life.
We all make assumptions, which isn’t bad or wrong necessarily. And of course we want the people who are close to us to be interested in our inner world. That’s what intimacy is all about, right?!
Yes, and… there’s more to it than that.
I’m learning that intimacy isn’t just how YOU hold space for ME. It also has to do with how well I acknowledge and respect your boundaries too.
You better believe I made double sure to get Roy’s blessing and consent to share this story!
Emotional Intelligence. It’s not something a lot of us are taught growing up. Energetic and emotional boundaries are concepts I’m only really learning about as an adult, and am the first to admit it’s an ongoing work in progress!
But you know what happened when I acknowledged my overstep with Roy?
He perked up and joined the conversation, Big Time.
He became fully engaged when I asked for and honored his perspective. From there, he was able to tell me when he could commit his full attention to me. It’s not that he wasn’t interested in what I had to say, he just didn’t have the energy right then.
I could have ignored his cues and let him politely pretend to listen as I hammered on about “my thing.” But by not requiring him to listen as a proof of love, we BOTH received kindness, acknowledgement, and mutual understanding. And while we didn’t talk about what was on my mind in that moment, I came away with an experience of intimacy that was in the end much better.
So now it’s your turn!
If you find yourself relating to Roy’s side of the story… try this. Instead of “tuning out” when someone starts taking without asking first if you have energy to spare, kindly let them know where you’re at. Other capable adults are not automatically entitled to your attention, especially if you don’t have the bandwidth. You have the right to tell another person what you can give, and when.
If you find yourself relating to my side of the street… try this. When you’d like someone to hold space for you, first get clear in your mind about what you’re actually asking for from the other person. A listening ear? Brainstorming solutions? Validation? Then inquire if they have the time and space to give this to you… before launching in! Most importantly, respect the response you’re given.
And yes my friends, this all assumes we’re talking about two healthy adults here. Gaslighting, stonewalling, manipulation, and other forms of shutting down communication are not intimacy.
I’m Listening…
I've found for many of my clients that the experience of being deeply listened to is one of the primary (and often unexpected!) benefits of coaching. More than once, I've been told that they look forward to their session as the one place in their week where another person shows up for them in full presence... without the pressure to reciprocate. I consider a coaching session sacred space to exhale and truly be seen.
Here's what one of my clients recently had to say:
Ready to Rise?
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